Until death do us part

I wrote this post years ago...and just signed in to my blog for the first time in years.
I am going to post this tonight, because tonight is the night that I begin to write again.
*********************

I woke up this morning and tried to remember a dream I had. I know my mother was in it, and I was plagued by some meaning it may have had...
I wore a black and white skirt.
I had a ham and swiss sandwich for lunch with a V8...didn't get to my banana.

Then I was divorced. Three 'o clock PM, Tuesday, January 14, 2014.
Just like that; but, not really.
And there. I said it.
I. Am. Divorced.

Divorce is like death: it is difficult to wrap your senses around. As the living we don't know what death is--not really. We don't know what it feels like, what it sounds like when it comes...and less than one second later the breath will leave the living and they are dead.
Just like that; but, not really.

Divorce is difficult for the senses to elite on...it is difficult to explain...it is difficult to understand.
It is difficult to live through.
I am not going to write, tonight, about what happened. None of that really matters, now, does it?

Tonight I take a breath for the first time in a long time (I told you it was difficult to understand), and I want to acknowledge a life, a marriage, and some of the beauty that lied therein.

Marriage is beautiful. It is the very stamp, the very thumbprint of God himself. I believe in marriage as a mirrored image of God's glory, his love, his very self. I will tell my children this, when it is appropriate, and I will tell them that I fought for mine with everything I had, and everything I didn't.
I will tell them that being married takes two people.

I will tell them that the day I signed my divorce papers I took note of their father and I's signatures side-by-side, like on our wedding certificate. State of Hawaii.
I was alone with my dad in the hotel room before I walked down the aisle, alone with him in the hallway at my attorney's office years later when the separation began, and then-just-alone in his office signing my name to divorce. Today.

I will tell my children that I came home and took my black and white skirt off, and looked at the place on the shelf where a wedding picture used to be, and that I prayed for them. Again.

...and in no particular order...
I will tell them about Ebba, the stone fish, the fish tank, about the half eaten graham cracker in the couch bed at the hospital, the Alpine slide, framed wildflowers, potted lilies, the lily box, the flower box, the cigar box.
I will tell them about fresh white paint, Memorial Day, and fishing.
I will tell them about the turtle.
I will tell them about broken luggage, hot chocolate, wine, my wedding ring, and the Christmas lights...the two hour wait for Santa...Disneyworld,

I will tell them the truth.
God is love; and, love is real.

He makes the crooked places straight.
He is a God of order.
He does not pervert justice.
He takes up the case of the oppressed.
His eye is on the sparrow.
He never left us.
He never forgot his promises.
He answered my every prayer, every plea...and even when I forgot, God never did.

9/12/2008-01/14/14
Here lies my failures, my success, my hope, my grief, my loneliness, my companionship, my grievances, my hypocrisy, my sin...and I leave it all to you, Lord.

I am walking away from this grave.

Ode to Joy (Lessons from 2013)

2013 has taught me more than any other year of living. Well, perhaps that is not true, it just stuck this time around...

I have learned that beautiful-sweet things begin with dirt, in dirt; flowers, people, pineapples...all began in dirt. Life will bloom towards the direction of the light, and any un-kept garden with warrior weeds will not live, but die.

Children are like flowers: they need light, and fresh air to thrive.
I am children.

There is a Comfort that cannot be squelched, a Refuge, a Strength that cannot be shaken by any storm. Comfort cannot be recognized without upheaval and without upheaval there is no need to seek a refuge. A need for strength cannot be recognized without first admitting gaping, impossible needs, struggles and weakness.
Grace does not exist without failures. Thank you, God, for my failures, my weaknesses, my painful awareness of my hypocrisy, for it is only by these things I have learned your grace.

Against all odds, life will resurface. LIFE cannot be buried, burnt, beaten out or down...because, you see, LIFE conquered the grave in the resurrection of Jesus...the LIFE I have.

The whispered, repeated name of Jesus is the only thing to help a child sleep, some nights.

I have come to believe that I am the righteous; not because I actually am, but because God says so through sentences spilled on a cross with blood red ink. His promises are for me. I can take Him at His word.

Life can be simple. Always. I'm serious about that. No matter the complications and brokenness, living is made simple by this: love the Lord your God with all of your heart, with all of your mind, and with all of your strength.
Seeking God's face to the point of exhaustion is not possible. It cannot come to that, as there is too much life there, and too much living to be healed in His presence...

Jesus never corrected anyone and left them without their dignity (unless their hearts were already hard, like the Pharisees). His ways of correction do not condemn, but restore.

I have learned that Jesus trusted the veracity of the testimony of his resurrection to women, and what that means...and how it changes my life.

Praying is a love language. Music is a love language. The moon is a love letter.

I have learned how to keep myself from crying...finally. And I have learned to weep. I have learned there is a worship in silent-grieving sobs, with no breath between, in broken hallelujahs. What else would one bellow once delivered?

I have learned the joy in moments of "firsts" with my children, and the sorrow in the "last" moments...that I miss every day. The last time my daughter needed help standing came and went without me. The last moment my son needed help turning the sink on...I missed these and so much more. I have learned that I love my children with a fierce love, and it is no longer motivated by guilt, but gratitude.

I have learned what a broken heart is when I drop them off at daycare. I learn this every-single-day.
I have learned the joy in holding them again at the end of the day, when I am exhausted, and the ability I have to give more when I have nothing left to give. I learn this every-single-day.

It is never the time to kick a man, but especially when he is already down.

Meekness is power under control.

God is the Author of my faith. It is HE who began a GOOD work in me, and it is HIM who will see it to completion.

I can cease my striving, and know that He. Is. God.
He. Is. Good.
He Is I AM.

I have learned that building a house on the sand will only always lead to a great fall. A home that's fallen reaches many hearts. It breaks them all. Breaks them. But God can fix and heal those wounded much more so than I ever could. I just need to obey His prompts...and build on the Rock.

He has the whole world in His hands.

I have learned to let go. I am learning what selfless love is, what it feels like, and how painful it can be; and, how wonderful it is to see someone bloom, grow and heal...even if you can't be a part of it.

I have learned to hang on. To hold on. To wait, and to go.

Pride destroys.
Burdens can be lifted.
Of self-righteous sinners, I am truly the worst.
Tithe.
The only things guaranteed to me are God's love and salvation.
I have learned what being a good friend is (because of the incredible friends in my life), and that family is a room you can just sit in...and be...whatever you ARE.

I have learned salt preserves, melts ice, dissolves concrete, flavors and causes a body to retain water. I have come to believe that maybe, just maybe, I am the salt of the earth.

My treasure is truly where my heart is. My heart is truly where my treasure is. My living does not lie about what my treasure is, and sometimes this mortifies me.

God knows.
God is not mad at me.

God prunes the dead vines away, so that they no longer steal life and nutrients from going to the fruit.

His sheep know His voice.

I fear only that which can take my soul and keep me from living life in the Spirit. The truest thing I want...is peace.

I will win the battles I am intended to win; and, that is not all of them.

The memories of my wedding day will always be sweet to me; and, that's as it should be. The stories of grace strewn throughout my marriage will always be sweet to me; and that's as it should be.

I am not the rain maker.

Don't step in; step back.

God has woken the mourning up in me...and with it- comes the MORNING. Tomorrow. New Year. New Life.
...and every day is that way...we compose an Ode to Joy, or to something else.

I choose joy.

What If God Allows More Than We Can Handle?

1 Corinthians 10:13
"No temptation has seized you except what is common to man. And God is faithful.; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so that you can stand up under it."

I can't tell you how many times I have heard: "God will never give you more than you can handle."
What wonderful encouragement! What a true, spoken word, from a heart that longs to offer comfort in to a, somewhat, hopeless-looking situation. There is sincere warmth and sympathy in these offerings from others. I have said those words 9,456 times myself. But what if we are wrong about that? What if God does allow more in our lives than we can handle? Look at the verse again:

"...he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear."

The statement "God will not give you more than you can handle," comes from this verse found in 1 Corinthians; but, I do not believe it is entirely applicable in the way I have heard it (and have used it) before.

The verse does not say, "God will not give you more than you can handle," (in terms of heartache, burdens, loss, disappointments) which is the context most people offer these terms of endearment within.
Lose a job? "God will not give you more than you can handle."
Lose a spouse? "God will not give you more than you can handle."
You get the idea.

But, if God will never allow more in to my life than I can handle, then why do I need God?

I'll tell you why: because the verse clearly says he will not allow us to be tempted beyond what we can bear, but when we are (not if), HE will provide the way out. I need him because I will have too much to handle on my own; and, when I am tempted to believe I can, or cannot, do it, I need him. He will be my way home again. He will be perspective. He will be the way out when I am tempted to believe I "have been given too much to handle."

When I am tempted to believe that I have been given more than I can handle, Truth offers the way out by saying, "You can you can do all things, because I am your strength."
Philippians 4:13

When I think I have been given too much to handle, I am tempted to believe I will be flooded and consumed by heartache. Truth offers the way out by saying, "Yes, the floods are coming. The fire is hot. But, I will protect you. I have redeemed you. I have summoned you by name. You. Are. Mine."
Isaiah 43: 1b-2

When I am emotionally driven, my heart condemns and deceives me. I am tempted to follow my heart. Truth offers the way out by saying, "Don't follow your heart. Your heart doesn't know the way. I do."
1 John 3:20

When I fear that admitting pain will leave me undone, I am tempted to rationalize my way through profound grief. Truth offers the way out by saying, "Grieve. I consider your grief and take it in hand. You sow in tears, but you will reap in joy."
Psalm 10:14;  Psalm 126:5

When I think I have been given too much to handle, I am tempted to believe I am defeated. Truth offers a way out by saying, "I have overcome the world in which these trials exist. And you are more than a conqueror. You ARE hard pressed on every side, perplexed, and struck down; but, you are NOT crushed, not in despair, not abandoned, and not destroyed."
John 16:33; Romans 8:37; 2 Corinthians 4:8-9

When I want to make my own way out, I am tempted to rely on my understanding to evade crooked paths; my understanding that is limited and feeble. Truth offers a way out by saying, "Your understanding is not the thing that will make your paths straight."
Proverbs 3:5-6

Being tempted to believe we've been given more than we can handle is an intimate invitation that reads:
"Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest."
Matthew 11:28

There's a space

this is my story and i still don't think it's mine to tell. i don't understand that yet. so i will unwrap it in grammatically incorrect and cryptic pieces. vulnerably, tearfully. i will tell it someday. not today.

there is a space where people used to be...
in my wedding dress. at the kitchen table. on the porch. there is space in the garage. in the closet. the chair by the front door.

in my bed. in my children's beds--this weekend.

i notice my son's whale shark on the rack in the basement. been looking for that for 8 months. wet boot tracks again on the floor. snow is coming. snow is here.

the table i ate at when i was a child with my mother. just my mother and i. and now i will eat there with my children. just my children and i. it's dirty and chipped.

it's home.

a light bulb bursts in the bathroom. one of four lit. porch light out. again. where are my grandfather's screwdrivers? this luggage isn't even mine. graduation gifts used on the honeymoon.

i wasn't wrong for believing.

hours behind a screen of choice. like someone was listening. i think that's all that mattered those nights, was if someone was listening. i'm sorry for every time it wasn't me. and i would also say thank you, but it would come out wrong.

cold baths and the fear of being alone when i wasn't alone. and i knew it. i could feel something that night like there was an uninvited guest in my home. and there was.

rehearsed pleas in may. cries to God in june. recorded cinderella prayers in july. the hope of august. flood in september like dead bees on the beach the day we got married. october winds against oaks to shape them. the oasis of november came in the desert. where else?

there's just a sadness that comes, sometimes.
the breath will leave and i cannot even cry about it. any. more.

but in the bones of this home, there remains the breath of God.
the hope of winter passing will never leave me.

december came as promised. the space is here, where people should be.

This is Love

I am reminded of valuable truths after spending a night with some of the best friends God ever made:

A quiet house, before your guests arrive, is the perfect time to sit and be alone. And do nothing. Do nothing with a glass of wine in your hand and candles lit and music playing. And keep doing nothing.

Some of us can cook. Some of us can't. Take D for example...she will have us over with fresh bread and homemade cheesecake and say, "Oh, let me move my sewing machine out of the bathroom." Apparently the (truly incredible) super woman also sews while she...? brushes her teeth? (I love you, Priest.)

Me, on the other hand, well, I will offer starburst (fresh from the bag, don't judge), and say, "Um. I think there was a chip around here somewhere. Oh. There it is. Under your chair. Go for it, girl. It's all yours." (Just kidding. I buy cheese and crackers. And starbursts.)

This. Is. Me. This. Is. Them. This. Is. Us.

It's amazing to have friends that understand the darkest places of your life mean that you are being delivered in to the light. They understand that your house is spotless, clean, with everything in it's place. And they understand that your mess of an office is symbolic of the corner of your heart where you also stuff things, while you keep the rest of you cleaned up.

A new mom next to mothers of 2 or 3 children, still calling themselves new moms, because moms understand we will never arrive. We can just share supplement treasure secrets and stories of things others may find no beauty in.

Sharing stories of middle of the night walks in the halls with crying babes and laughing about the things you were crying about 24 hours ago. Laughing, in fact, until you are crying again.

You understand the power of trust with friends like these. You understand the veracity in a true spoken word; the right word.

You understand why the caged black bird sings.

Talking about selling a house you carried your babies home to for the first time...and that housed the fights. Hearing about the houses just bought...and the mothers that come inside.

Sharing stories about dead fish, and the only God that is alive.

And when these friends leave your house and you blow the candles out...it makes you realize, as you watch the flame dissolve, that all fire needs oxygen to burn.

Idolatry

I've recently taken on the task of asking God to remove my idols. Why, you ask? I had no idea, either... at first. As I began to undergo the renovation (a.k.a. demolition) of the throne of my heart, I came to realize God is truly a jealous God. I see that his jealousy is one born of love, wanting what is already his: my heart, my soul, my mind.

As defined by the 1828 Noah Webster's Dictionary (go buy one tomorrow), an idol is: an image, form or representation...consecrated as an object of worship; a pagan deity; a person loved and honored to adoration. Anything on which we set our affections; that to which we indulge an excessive and sinful attachment. An idol is any thing that usurps the place of God in the hearts of his rational creatures. A representation.

An idol is anything that becomes falsely bigger than God, and that takes His place. Being a "rational creature," naturally, I read on...

Rational: Having reason or the faculty of reasoning; endowed with reason; opposed to absurd; agreeable to reason; acting in conformity to reason, as a rational man. It is to our glory and happiness to have a rational nature.

It is irrational to have idols. It is, in fact, absurd.
An idol is a counterfeit to the real thing. The craziest (and I mean that literally) thing about all of this, is that we seek freedom in our idols; and, they leave us as perpetual prisoners. They are greedy. They are never full. They are never done consuming our lives. Why, then, is it so easy to replace the truth of God for a lie? (Romans 1:25) Fools do that...absurd, crazy, irrational fools.

We are deceived by the counterfeit; by an impostor.
(Last one...maybe...)
Impostor: One who imposes on others; a person who assumes character for the purpose of deception; a deceiver under false character.

I can draw the conclusion that an idol's purpose is deception. That's a big deal. Jesus came into the world to testify to the truth (John 18:33-38). Do you have any idea how profound that is? Let me say that again: Jesus came into the world to testify to the truth.

So, what are my idols? I didn't get enough sleep last night to talk about all of them. But, I will mention one very close-to-home idol of mine. It sits comfortably on the throne of my heart. It fits nicely into my need for control (they feed each other, actually, isn't that cute). It thinks me back awake and keeps me happily selfish (and justified, of course). It never leaves me. It masquerades itself as a reason to "pray, and seek the Lord." It's what I have to fall back on when I-don't-want-to-wait-anymore-Lord. When I can soothe it, I feel better. I like feeling better.

Fear.

It's a small word. That's part of it's disguise, I think. It's an impostor. It's a counterfeit to having faith. Fear will make you pray. Faith will make you pray. Fear will keep you awake trying to reason your way out of this out of this out of this out of this. Faith will make a way. Fear, like anything, will grow if it's fed. Faith, like anything, will grow if it's fed.

"For God did not give us a spirit of timidity, but a spirit of power, of love and of self-discipline." (2 Timothy 1:7)
The Greek word for Spirit used here is pneuma. The Biblical usage of this word includes: the Holy Spirit, it is used to emphasize his work and power, life giving spirit. That's the Spirit at work in us. That's the Spirit we were given. We were not given the spirit of fear (we are just given over to it). We were given a spirit of power (dynamis) meaning: ability, power consisting in or resting upon armies. We were given the spirit of Love Himself. We were given the spirit of self-discipline (sōphronismos) meaning: "a calling to the soundness of mind." The Spirit of the only living God, the only Living God, should have His truthful place on the throne of my heart, my soul, my mind.

At the beginning, I thought it crazy to be asking God to remove my idols (when having them, at all, was the crazy part). It is no request for the faint of heart. What I came to realize is, that in His grace, apparently, I am not the faint of heart, the absurd, the timid, or the weak.

And neither are you.

 

Perspective

(A letter from the perspective of the One who sees all. When I started this post I began a list of the verses that referenced these names; but I decided that was not the point.)

Baby,

There are lions in your town. There are ashes all around; but, you can believe that the Phoenix exists.
Why do you fear and fret?
When you feel you are spinning, rejoice. It is then that you are being shaped as My vessel. Your cracks allow my light to shine through you.
You have forgotten that My holes made you whole.
I AM El-Roi, the God who sees. I know you angry sideways clumsy sad disjointed joyful alone quiet.
Some days your heart is full like summer and fog; and, others it is cold like nights and gas station wallpaper. You see?
I see.

I AM...

Advocate
Abba
Almighty
Alpha
Ancient of Days
Author of life
Author of your faith
Adonai

Beginning
Branch
Bread of life

Comforter
Consolation of Israel
Consuming fire
Cornerstone
Counselor
Creator
Cloud by day
Close to the brokenhearted
Conqueror

Deliverer
Desired of all nations
Defender

Eternal God
Everlasting Father
Elohim

Faithful
Foundation
Friend
Fire by night

Good Shepherd
Gentle

Heir of all things
Hope
Horn of salvation
Healer

I AM
Immanuel

Jesus
Jehovah-Rapha, your healer
Jehovah- Nissi, your banner
Jehovah-Jireh, your provider
Jehovah-Rohi, the Lord who is present
Joy
Just

King of kings
King of the ages
King eternal

Lamb of God
Lion of Judah
Life
Light of the world
Lily of your valley
Living water
Lord of all
Lord of glory
Lord of hosts--I Am
Love

Master
Meaning of Life
Merciful God
Mighty God
Messiah

New life

Omega
Omnipotent
Omnipresent
Omniscient

Potter
Prince of peace

Redeemer
Refiner's fire
Resurrection
Rock
Root of David
Rose of Sharon

Savior
Servant
Son of God
Son of David
Source
Shield

Teacher
Truth
Trinity

Unchanging
Understanding
Unity

Victorious
Vine of life

(the)Way
(the)Word

Yahweh

I AM a zealous God.

And you, baby?
You Are Mine.