2013 has taught me more than any other year of living. Well, perhaps that is not true, it just stuck this time around...
I have learned that beautiful-sweet things begin with dirt, in dirt; flowers, people, pineapples...all began in dirt. Life will bloom towards the direction of the light, and any un-kept garden with warrior weeds will not live, but die.
Children are like flowers: they need light, and fresh air to thrive.
I am children.
There is a Comfort that cannot be squelched, a Refuge, a Strength that cannot be shaken by any storm. Comfort cannot be recognized without upheaval and without upheaval there is no need to seek a refuge. A need for strength cannot be recognized without first admitting gaping, impossible needs, struggles and weakness.
Grace does not exist without failures. Thank you, God, for my failures, my weaknesses, my painful awareness of my hypocrisy, for it is only by these things I have learned your grace.
Against all odds, life will resurface. LIFE cannot be buried, burnt, beaten out or down...because, you see, LIFE conquered the grave in the resurrection of Jesus...the LIFE I have.
The whispered, repeated name of Jesus is the only thing to help a child sleep, some nights.
I have come to believe that I am the righteous; not because I actually am, but because God says so through sentences spilled on a cross with blood red ink. His promises are for me. I can take Him at His word.
Life can be simple. Always. I'm serious about that. No matter the complications and brokenness, living is made simple by this: love the Lord your God with all of your heart, with all of your mind, and with all of your strength.
Seeking God's face to the point of exhaustion is not possible. It cannot come to that, as there is too much life there, and too much living to be healed in His presence...
Jesus never corrected anyone and left them without their dignity (unless their hearts were already hard, like the Pharisees). His ways of correction do not condemn, but restore.
I have learned that Jesus trusted the veracity of the testimony of his resurrection to women, and what that means...and how it changes my life.
Praying is a love language. Music is a love language. The moon is a love letter.
I have learned how to keep myself from crying...finally. And I have learned to weep. I have learned there is a worship in silent-grieving sobs, with no breath between, in broken hallelujahs. What else would one bellow once delivered?
I have learned the joy in moments of "firsts" with my children, and the sorrow in the "last" moments...that I miss every day. The last time my daughter needed help standing came and went without me. The last moment my son needed help turning the sink on...I missed these and so much more. I have learned that I love my children with a fierce love, and it is no longer motivated by guilt, but gratitude.
I have learned what a broken heart is when I drop them off at daycare. I learn this every-single-day.
I have learned the joy in holding them again at the end of the day, when I am exhausted, and the ability I have to give more when I have nothing left to give. I learn this every-single-day.
It is never the time to kick a man, but especially when he is already down.
Meekness is power under control.
God is the Author of my faith. It is HE who began a GOOD work in me, and it is HIM who will see it to completion.
I can cease my striving, and know that He. Is. God.
He. Is. Good.
He Is I AM.
I have learned that building a house on the sand will only always lead to a great fall. A home that's fallen reaches many hearts. It breaks them all. Breaks them. But God can fix and heal those wounded much more so than I ever could. I just need to obey His prompts...and build on the Rock.
He has the whole world in His hands.
I have learned to let go. I am learning what selfless love is, what it feels like, and how painful it can be; and, how wonderful it is to see someone bloom, grow and heal...even if you can't be a part of it.
I have learned to hang on. To hold on. To wait, and to go.
Pride destroys.
Burdens can be lifted.
Of self-righteous sinners, I am truly the worst.
Tithe.
The only things guaranteed to me are God's love and salvation.
I have learned what being a good friend is (because of the incredible friends in my life), and that family is a room you can just sit in...and be...whatever you ARE.
I have learned salt preserves, melts ice, dissolves concrete, flavors and causes a body to retain water. I have come to believe that maybe, just maybe, I am the salt of the earth.
My treasure is truly where my heart is. My heart is truly where my treasure is. My living does not lie about what my treasure is, and sometimes this mortifies me.
God knows.
God is not mad at me.
God prunes the dead vines away, so that they no longer steal life and nutrients from going to the fruit.
His sheep know His voice.
I fear only that which can take my soul and keep me from living life in the Spirit. The truest thing I want...is peace.
I will win the battles I am intended to win; and, that is not all of them.
The memories of my wedding day will always be sweet to me; and, that's as it should be. The stories of grace strewn throughout my marriage will always be sweet to me; and that's as it should be.
I am not the rain maker.
Don't step in; step back.
God has woken the mourning up in me...and with it- comes the MORNING. Tomorrow. New Year. New Life.
...and every day is that way...we compose an Ode to Joy, or to something else.
I choose joy.
Tuesday, December 31, 2013
Tuesday, December 10, 2013
What If God Allows More Than We Can Handle?
1 Corinthians 10:13
"No temptation has seized you except what is common to man. And God is faithful.; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so that you can stand up under it."
I can't tell you how many times I have heard: "God will never give you more than you can handle."
What wonderful encouragement! What a true, spoken word, from a heart that longs to offer comfort in to a, somewhat, hopeless-looking situation. There is sincere warmth and sympathy in these offerings from others. I have said those words 9,456 times myself. But what if we are wrong about that? What if God does allow more in our lives than we can handle? Look at the verse again:
"...he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear."
The statement "God will not give you more than you can handle," comes from this verse found in 1 Corinthians; but, I do not believe it is entirely applicable in the way I have heard it (and have used it) before.
The verse does not say, "God will not give you more than you can handle," (in terms of heartache, burdens, loss, disappointments) which is the context most people offer these terms of endearment within.
Lose a job? "God will not give you more than you can handle."
Lose a spouse? "God will not give you more than you can handle."
You get the idea.
But, if God will never allow more in to my life than I can handle, then why do I need God?
I'll tell you why: because the verse clearly says he will not allow us to be tempted beyond what we can bear, but when we are (not if), HE will provide the way out. I need him because I will have too much to handle on my own; and, when I am tempted to believe I can, or cannot, do it, I need him. He will be my way home again. He will be perspective. He will be the way out when I am tempted to believe I "have been given too much to handle."
When I am tempted to believe that I have been given more than I can handle, Truth offers the way out by saying, "You can you can do all things, because I am your strength."
Philippians 4:13
When I think I have been given too much to handle, I am tempted to believe I will be flooded and consumed by heartache. Truth offers the way out by saying, "Yes, the floods are coming. The fire is hot. But, I will protect you. I have redeemed you. I have summoned you by name. You. Are. Mine."
Isaiah 43: 1b-2
When I am emotionally driven, my heart condemns and deceives me. I am tempted to follow my heart. Truth offers the way out by saying, "Don't follow your heart. Your heart doesn't know the way. I do."
1 John 3:20
When I fear that admitting pain will leave me undone, I am tempted to rationalize my way through profound grief. Truth offers the way out by saying, "Grieve. I consider your grief and take it in hand. You sow in tears, but you will reap in joy."
Psalm 10:14; Psalm 126:5
When I think I have been given too much to handle, I am tempted to believe I am defeated. Truth offers a way out by saying, "I have overcome the world in which these trials exist. And you are more than a conqueror. You ARE hard pressed on every side, perplexed, and struck down; but, you are NOT crushed, not in despair, not abandoned, and not destroyed."
John 16:33; Romans 8:37; 2 Corinthians 4:8-9
When I want to make my own way out, I am tempted to rely on my understanding to evade crooked paths; my understanding that is limited and feeble. Truth offers a way out by saying, "Your understanding is not the thing that will make your paths straight."
Proverbs 3:5-6
Being tempted to believe we've been given more than we can handle is an intimate invitation that reads:
"Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest."
Matthew 11:28
"No temptation has seized you except what is common to man. And God is faithful.; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so that you can stand up under it."
I can't tell you how many times I have heard: "God will never give you more than you can handle."
What wonderful encouragement! What a true, spoken word, from a heart that longs to offer comfort in to a, somewhat, hopeless-looking situation. There is sincere warmth and sympathy in these offerings from others. I have said those words 9,456 times myself. But what if we are wrong about that? What if God does allow more in our lives than we can handle? Look at the verse again:
"...he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear."
The statement "God will not give you more than you can handle," comes from this verse found in 1 Corinthians; but, I do not believe it is entirely applicable in the way I have heard it (and have used it) before.
The verse does not say, "God will not give you more than you can handle," (in terms of heartache, burdens, loss, disappointments) which is the context most people offer these terms of endearment within.
Lose a job? "God will not give you more than you can handle."
Lose a spouse? "God will not give you more than you can handle."
You get the idea.
But, if God will never allow more in to my life than I can handle, then why do I need God?
I'll tell you why: because the verse clearly says he will not allow us to be tempted beyond what we can bear, but when we are (not if), HE will provide the way out. I need him because I will have too much to handle on my own; and, when I am tempted to believe I can, or cannot, do it, I need him. He will be my way home again. He will be perspective. He will be the way out when I am tempted to believe I "have been given too much to handle."
When I am tempted to believe that I have been given more than I can handle, Truth offers the way out by saying, "You can you can do all things, because I am your strength."
Philippians 4:13
When I think I have been given too much to handle, I am tempted to believe I will be flooded and consumed by heartache. Truth offers the way out by saying, "Yes, the floods are coming. The fire is hot. But, I will protect you. I have redeemed you. I have summoned you by name. You. Are. Mine."
Isaiah 43: 1b-2
When I am emotionally driven, my heart condemns and deceives me. I am tempted to follow my heart. Truth offers the way out by saying, "Don't follow your heart. Your heart doesn't know the way. I do."
1 John 3:20
When I fear that admitting pain will leave me undone, I am tempted to rationalize my way through profound grief. Truth offers the way out by saying, "Grieve. I consider your grief and take it in hand. You sow in tears, but you will reap in joy."
Psalm 10:14; Psalm 126:5
When I think I have been given too much to handle, I am tempted to believe I am defeated. Truth offers a way out by saying, "I have overcome the world in which these trials exist. And you are more than a conqueror. You ARE hard pressed on every side, perplexed, and struck down; but, you are NOT crushed, not in despair, not abandoned, and not destroyed."
John 16:33; Romans 8:37; 2 Corinthians 4:8-9
When I want to make my own way out, I am tempted to rely on my understanding to evade crooked paths; my understanding that is limited and feeble. Truth offers a way out by saying, "Your understanding is not the thing that will make your paths straight."
Proverbs 3:5-6
Being tempted to believe we've been given more than we can handle is an intimate invitation that reads:
"Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest."
Matthew 11:28
Saturday, December 7, 2013
There's a space
this is my story and i still don't think it's mine to tell. i don't understand that yet. so i will unwrap it in grammatically incorrect and cryptic pieces. vulnerably, tearfully. i will tell it someday. not today.
there is a space where people used to be...
in my wedding dress. at the kitchen table. on the porch. there is space in the garage. in the closet. the chair by the front door.
in my bed. in my children's beds--this weekend.
i notice my son's whale shark on the rack in the basement. been looking for that for 8 months. wet boot tracks again on the floor. snow is coming. snow is here.
the table i ate at when i was a child with my mother. just my mother and i. and now i will eat there with my children. just my children and i. it's dirty and chipped.
it's home.
a light bulb bursts in the bathroom. one of four lit. porch light out. again. where are my grandfather's screwdrivers? this luggage isn't even mine. graduation gifts used on the honeymoon.
i wasn't wrong for believing.
hours behind a screen of choice. like someone was listening. i think that's all that mattered those nights, was if someone was listening. i'm sorry for every time it wasn't me. and i would also say thank you, but it would come out wrong.
cold baths and the fear of being alone when i wasn't alone. and i knew it. i could feel something that night like there was an uninvited guest in my home. and there was.
rehearsed pleas in may. cries to God in june. recorded cinderella prayers in july. the hope of august. flood in september like dead bees on the beach the day we got married. october winds against oaks to shape them. the oasis of november came in the desert. where else?
there's just a sadness that comes, sometimes.
the breath will leave and i cannot even cry about it. any. more.
but in the bones of this home, there remains the breath of God.
the hope of winter passing will never leave me.
december came as promised. the space is here, where people should be.
there is a space where people used to be...
in my wedding dress. at the kitchen table. on the porch. there is space in the garage. in the closet. the chair by the front door.
in my bed. in my children's beds--this weekend.
i notice my son's whale shark on the rack in the basement. been looking for that for 8 months. wet boot tracks again on the floor. snow is coming. snow is here.
the table i ate at when i was a child with my mother. just my mother and i. and now i will eat there with my children. just my children and i. it's dirty and chipped.
it's home.
a light bulb bursts in the bathroom. one of four lit. porch light out. again. where are my grandfather's screwdrivers? this luggage isn't even mine. graduation gifts used on the honeymoon.
i wasn't wrong for believing.
hours behind a screen of choice. like someone was listening. i think that's all that mattered those nights, was if someone was listening. i'm sorry for every time it wasn't me. and i would also say thank you, but it would come out wrong.
cold baths and the fear of being alone when i wasn't alone. and i knew it. i could feel something that night like there was an uninvited guest in my home. and there was.
rehearsed pleas in may. cries to God in june. recorded cinderella prayers in july. the hope of august. flood in september like dead bees on the beach the day we got married. october winds against oaks to shape them. the oasis of november came in the desert. where else?
there's just a sadness that comes, sometimes.
the breath will leave and i cannot even cry about it. any. more.
but in the bones of this home, there remains the breath of God.
the hope of winter passing will never leave me.
december came as promised. the space is here, where people should be.
Saturday, November 23, 2013
This is Love
I am reminded of valuable truths after spending a night with some of the best friends God ever made:
A quiet house, before your guests arrive, is the perfect time to sit and be alone. And do nothing. Do nothing with a glass of wine in your hand and candles lit and music playing. And keep doing nothing.
Some of us can cook. Some of us can't. Take D for example...she will have us over with fresh bread and homemade cheesecake and say, "Oh, let me move my sewing machine out of the bathroom." Apparently the (truly incredible) super woman also sews while she...? brushes her teeth? (I love you, Priest.)
Me, on the other hand, well, I will offer starburst (fresh from the bag, don't judge), and say, "Um. I think there was a chip around here somewhere. Oh. There it is. Under your chair. Go for it, girl. It's all yours." (Just kidding. I buy cheese and crackers. And starbursts.)
This. Is. Me. This. Is. Them. This. Is. Us.
It's amazing to have friends that understand the darkest places of your life mean that you are being delivered in to the light. They understand that your house is spotless, clean, with everything in it's place. And they understand that your mess of an office is symbolic of the corner of your heart where you also stuff things, while you keep the rest of you cleaned up.
A new mom next to mothers of 2 or 3 children, still calling themselves new moms, because moms understand we will never arrive. We can just share supplement treasure secrets and stories of things others may find no beauty in.
Sharing stories of middle of the night walks in the halls with crying babes and laughing about the things you were crying about 24 hours ago. Laughing, in fact, until you are crying again.
You understand the power of trust with friends like these. You understand the veracity in a true spoken word; the right word.
You understand why the caged black bird sings.
Talking about selling a house you carried your babies home to for the first time...and that housed the fights. Hearing about the houses just bought...and the mothers that come inside.
Sharing stories about dead fish, and the only God that is alive.
And when these friends leave your house and you blow the candles out...it makes you realize, as you watch the flame dissolve, that all fire needs oxygen to burn.
A quiet house, before your guests arrive, is the perfect time to sit and be alone. And do nothing. Do nothing with a glass of wine in your hand and candles lit and music playing. And keep doing nothing.
Some of us can cook. Some of us can't. Take D for example...she will have us over with fresh bread and homemade cheesecake and say, "Oh, let me move my sewing machine out of the bathroom." Apparently the (truly incredible) super woman also sews while she...? brushes her teeth? (I love you, Priest.)
Me, on the other hand, well, I will offer starburst (fresh from the bag, don't judge), and say, "Um. I think there was a chip around here somewhere. Oh. There it is. Under your chair. Go for it, girl. It's all yours." (Just kidding. I buy cheese and crackers. And starbursts.)
This. Is. Me. This. Is. Them. This. Is. Us.
It's amazing to have friends that understand the darkest places of your life mean that you are being delivered in to the light. They understand that your house is spotless, clean, with everything in it's place. And they understand that your mess of an office is symbolic of the corner of your heart where you also stuff things, while you keep the rest of you cleaned up.
A new mom next to mothers of 2 or 3 children, still calling themselves new moms, because moms understand we will never arrive. We can just share supplement treasure secrets and stories of things others may find no beauty in.
Sharing stories of middle of the night walks in the halls with crying babes and laughing about the things you were crying about 24 hours ago. Laughing, in fact, until you are crying again.
You understand the power of trust with friends like these. You understand the veracity in a true spoken word; the right word.
You understand why the caged black bird sings.
Talking about selling a house you carried your babies home to for the first time...and that housed the fights. Hearing about the houses just bought...and the mothers that come inside.
Sharing stories about dead fish, and the only God that is alive.
And when these friends leave your house and you blow the candles out...it makes you realize, as you watch the flame dissolve, that all fire needs oxygen to burn.
Tuesday, October 8, 2013
Idolatry
I've recently taken on the task of asking God to remove my idols. Why, you ask? I had no idea, either... at first. As I began to undergo the renovation (a.k.a. demolition) of the throne of my heart, I came to realize God is truly a jealous God. I see that his jealousy is one born of love, wanting what is already his: my heart, my soul, my mind.
As defined by the 1828 Noah Webster's Dictionary (go buy one tomorrow), an idol is: an image, form or representation...consecrated as an object of worship; a pagan deity; a person loved and honored to adoration. Anything on which we set our affections; that to which we indulge an excessive and sinful attachment. An idol is any thing that usurps the place of God in the hearts of his rational creatures. A representation.
An idol is anything that becomes falsely bigger than God, and that takes His place. Being a "rational creature," naturally, I read on...
Rational: Having reason or the faculty of reasoning; endowed with reason; opposed to absurd; agreeable to reason; acting in conformity to reason, as a rational man. It is to our glory and happiness to have a rational nature.
It is irrational to have idols. It is, in fact, absurd.
An idol is a counterfeit to the real thing. The craziest (and I mean that literally) thing about all of this, is that we seek freedom in our idols; and, they leave us as perpetual prisoners. They are greedy. They are never full. They are never done consuming our lives. Why, then, is it so easy to replace the truth of God for a lie? (Romans 1:25) Fools do that...absurd, crazy, irrational fools.
We are deceived by the counterfeit; by an impostor.
(Last one...maybe...)
Impostor: One who imposes on others; a person who assumes character for the purpose of deception; a deceiver under false character.
I can draw the conclusion that an idol's purpose is deception. That's a big deal. Jesus came into the world to testify to the truth (John 18:33-38). Do you have any idea how profound that is? Let me say that again: Jesus came into the world to testify to the truth.
So, what are my idols? I didn't get enough sleep last night to talk about all of them. But, I will mention one very close-to-home idol of mine. It sits comfortably on the throne of my heart. It fits nicely into my need for control (they feed each other, actually, isn't that cute). It thinks me back awake and keeps me happily selfish (and justified, of course). It never leaves me. It masquerades itself as a reason to "pray, and seek the Lord." It's what I have to fall back on when I-don't-want-to-wait-anymore-Lord. When I can soothe it, I feel better. I like feeling better.
Fear.
It's a small word. That's part of it's disguise, I think. It's an impostor. It's a counterfeit to having faith. Fear will make you pray. Faith will make you pray. Fear will keep you awake trying to reason your way out of this out of this out of this out of this. Faith will make a way. Fear, like anything, will grow if it's fed. Faith, like anything, will grow if it's fed.
"For God did not give us a spirit of timidity, but a spirit of power, of love and of self-discipline." (2 Timothy 1:7)
The Greek word for Spirit used here is pneuma. The Biblical usage of this word includes: the Holy Spirit, it is used to emphasize his work and power, life giving spirit. That's the Spirit at work in us. That's the Spirit we were given. We were not given the spirit of fear (we are just given over to it). We were given a spirit of power (dynamis) meaning: ability, power consisting in or resting upon armies. We were given the spirit of Love Himself. We were given the spirit of self-discipline (sÅphronismos) meaning: "a calling to the soundness of mind." The Spirit of the only living God, the only Living God, should have His truthful place on the throne of my heart, my soul, my mind.
At the beginning, I thought it crazy to be asking God to remove my idols (when having them, at all, was the crazy part). It is no request for the faint of heart. What I came to realize is, that in His grace, apparently, I am not the faint of heart, the absurd, the timid, or the weak.
And neither are you.
As defined by the 1828 Noah Webster's Dictionary (go buy one tomorrow), an idol is: an image, form or representation...consecrated as an object of worship; a pagan deity; a person loved and honored to adoration. Anything on which we set our affections; that to which we indulge an excessive and sinful attachment. An idol is any thing that usurps the place of God in the hearts of his rational creatures. A representation.
An idol is anything that becomes falsely bigger than God, and that takes His place. Being a "rational creature," naturally, I read on...
Rational: Having reason or the faculty of reasoning; endowed with reason; opposed to absurd; agreeable to reason; acting in conformity to reason, as a rational man. It is to our glory and happiness to have a rational nature.
It is irrational to have idols. It is, in fact, absurd.
An idol is a counterfeit to the real thing. The craziest (and I mean that literally) thing about all of this, is that we seek freedom in our idols; and, they leave us as perpetual prisoners. They are greedy. They are never full. They are never done consuming our lives. Why, then, is it so easy to replace the truth of God for a lie? (Romans 1:25) Fools do that...absurd, crazy, irrational fools.
We are deceived by the counterfeit; by an impostor.
(Last one...maybe...)
Impostor: One who imposes on others; a person who assumes character for the purpose of deception; a deceiver under false character.
I can draw the conclusion that an idol's purpose is deception. That's a big deal. Jesus came into the world to testify to the truth (John 18:33-38). Do you have any idea how profound that is? Let me say that again: Jesus came into the world to testify to the truth.
So, what are my idols? I didn't get enough sleep last night to talk about all of them. But, I will mention one very close-to-home idol of mine. It sits comfortably on the throne of my heart. It fits nicely into my need for control (they feed each other, actually, isn't that cute). It thinks me back awake and keeps me happily selfish (and justified, of course). It never leaves me. It masquerades itself as a reason to "pray, and seek the Lord." It's what I have to fall back on when I-don't-want-to-wait-anymore-Lord. When I can soothe it, I feel better. I like feeling better.
Fear.
It's a small word. That's part of it's disguise, I think. It's an impostor. It's a counterfeit to having faith. Fear will make you pray. Faith will make you pray. Fear will keep you awake trying to reason your way out of this out of this out of this out of this. Faith will make a way. Fear, like anything, will grow if it's fed. Faith, like anything, will grow if it's fed.
"For God did not give us a spirit of timidity, but a spirit of power, of love and of self-discipline." (2 Timothy 1:7)
The Greek word for Spirit used here is pneuma. The Biblical usage of this word includes: the Holy Spirit, it is used to emphasize his work and power, life giving spirit. That's the Spirit at work in us. That's the Spirit we were given. We were not given the spirit of fear (we are just given over to it). We were given a spirit of power (dynamis) meaning: ability, power consisting in or resting upon armies. We were given the spirit of Love Himself. We were given the spirit of self-discipline (sÅphronismos) meaning: "a calling to the soundness of mind." The Spirit of the only living God, the only Living God, should have His truthful place on the throne of my heart, my soul, my mind.
At the beginning, I thought it crazy to be asking God to remove my idols (when having them, at all, was the crazy part). It is no request for the faint of heart. What I came to realize is, that in His grace, apparently, I am not the faint of heart, the absurd, the timid, or the weak.
And neither are you.
Friday, September 27, 2013
Perspective
(A letter from the perspective of the One who sees all. When I started this post I began a list of the verses that referenced these names; but I decided that was not the point.)
Baby,
There are lions in your town. There are ashes all around; but, you can believe that the Phoenix exists.
Why do you fear and fret?
When you feel you are spinning, rejoice. It is then that you are being shaped as My vessel. Your cracks allow my light to shine through you.
You have forgotten that My holes made you whole.
I AM El-Roi, the God who sees. I know you angry sideways clumsy sad disjointed joyful alone quiet.
Some days your heart is full like summer and fog; and, others it is cold like nights and gas station wallpaper. You see?
I see.
I AM...
Advocate
Abba
Almighty
Alpha
Ancient of Days
Author of life
Author of your faith
Adonai
Beginning
Branch
Bread of life
Comforter
Consolation of Israel
Consuming fire
Cornerstone
Counselor
Creator
Cloud by day
Close to the brokenhearted
Conqueror
Deliverer
Desired of all nations
Defender
Eternal God
Everlasting Father
Elohim
Faithful
Foundation
Friend
Fire by night
Good Shepherd
Gentle
Heir of all things
Hope
Horn of salvation
Healer
I AM
Immanuel
Jesus
Jehovah-Rapha, your healer
Jehovah- Nissi, your banner
Jehovah-Jireh, your provider
Jehovah-Rohi, the Lord who is present
Joy
Just
King of kings
King of the ages
King eternal
Lamb of God
Lion of Judah
Life
Light of the world
Lily of your valley
Living water
Lord of all
Lord of glory
Lord of hosts--I Am
Love
Master
Meaning of Life
Merciful God
Mighty God
Messiah
New life
Omega
Omnipotent
Omnipresent
Omniscient
Potter
Prince of peace
Redeemer
Refiner's fire
Resurrection
Rock
Root of David
Rose of Sharon
Savior
Servant
Son of God
Son of David
Source
Shield
Teacher
Truth
Trinity
Unchanging
Understanding
Unity
Victorious
Vine of life
(the)Way
(the)Word
Yahweh
I AM a zealous God.
And you, baby?
You Are Mine.
Baby,
There are lions in your town. There are ashes all around; but, you can believe that the Phoenix exists.
Why do you fear and fret?
When you feel you are spinning, rejoice. It is then that you are being shaped as My vessel. Your cracks allow my light to shine through you.
You have forgotten that My holes made you whole.
I AM El-Roi, the God who sees. I know you angry sideways clumsy sad disjointed joyful alone quiet.
Some days your heart is full like summer and fog; and, others it is cold like nights and gas station wallpaper. You see?
I see.
I AM...
Advocate
Abba
Almighty
Alpha
Ancient of Days
Author of life
Author of your faith
Adonai
Beginning
Branch
Bread of life
Comforter
Consolation of Israel
Consuming fire
Cornerstone
Counselor
Creator
Cloud by day
Close to the brokenhearted
Conqueror
Deliverer
Desired of all nations
Defender
Eternal God
Everlasting Father
Elohim
Faithful
Foundation
Friend
Fire by night
Good Shepherd
Gentle
Heir of all things
Hope
Horn of salvation
Healer
I AM
Immanuel
Jesus
Jehovah-Rapha, your healer
Jehovah- Nissi, your banner
Jehovah-Jireh, your provider
Jehovah-Rohi, the Lord who is present
Joy
Just
King of kings
King of the ages
King eternal
Lamb of God
Lion of Judah
Life
Light of the world
Lily of your valley
Living water
Lord of all
Lord of glory
Lord of hosts--I Am
Love
Master
Meaning of Life
Merciful God
Mighty God
Messiah
New life
Omega
Omnipotent
Omnipresent
Omniscient
Potter
Prince of peace
Redeemer
Refiner's fire
Resurrection
Rock
Root of David
Rose of Sharon
Savior
Servant
Son of God
Son of David
Source
Shield
Teacher
Truth
Trinity
Unchanging
Understanding
Unity
Victorious
Vine of life
(the)Way
(the)Word
Yahweh
I AM a zealous God.
And you, baby?
You Are Mine.
Friday, August 9, 2013
A Letter for My Children: 9 August 2013
10.06pm
I cannot find a word to begin.
I actually hunted through my 1828 Noah Webster's Dictionary in an attempt to help me start somewhere.
Anywhere.
I suppose this is a letter of sorts; perhaps, a prayer; a praise...
Beloved,
I love you.
I love you tirelessly. I have only begun to know the true endurance and the true grit and stamina required of sacrifice. I have only begun to understand the joy found in the deep love as a mother, the relief in throat thumping prayers at 2am...the true peace found in surrender. I have only begun to experience the true love and faithfulness of God. I have come to believe that only God can understand the true sacrifice that comes with a deep and true love for your child. So, you see, my love for you--you cannot know, and God's love for us is even more unfathomable.
When you arrive in the deserts of life, and you will arrive, be still and know that God is with you. I pray, for you, that you always recognize His presence and that you come to desire it. There is no darkness or loneliness that can come upon you that he will not speak into. He will call your name. You will have His pillar of fire by night to lead and warm you, and as a cloud to cover you by day. You will again be lead to the oasis in the place of scorching heat that seems to consume all of life. Believe that Life and Living Water are not dependent on our location. Life giving water for the deserts of our souls comes from God alone. His giving is not dependent on our location; His giving is dependent on his grace. Ask, and you will receive.
When people judge you, and they will, be still and know that God is with you. Listen to what they have to say, for wisdom is birthed from correction. You must know to sift their words lovingly with the help of your Creator, who made you and knows the number of hairs on your head. Take heart and be courageous, beloved...if the words spoken are true, persevere in the refiner's fire. He will not abandon you in the flame. He will restore your frame and your bones will be made strong. If their judgment is harsh, untrue and God confirms this, dismiss them in love. Pray for them until you no longer feel the sting of their false accusations. God knows the truth. He is the truth. Do not fear man; fear God.
When you go through the valley, and you will, be still and know that God is with you. Lift your eyes to the hills, where your help comes from. You will not find the way through the valley, where you remain in the shadow, without the light of his Word to lead you. His Word is a lamp for your feet, and a light for your path. The valley offers a time of level paths for your feet. You will climb the mountain, one step at a time...tomorrow. But, today, while in the valley, find rest for your soul. There can be no shadow cast where there is no light nearby. God will walk with you in the valleys. You are not alone.
When you forget the way to go, and you will, be still and know that God is with you. He will never leave nor forsake you. You may not know what step you need to take next, and you may spend your sorrows on wishing for tomorrow (or yesterday), but your direction given will be sufficient for today. God has not misplaced the way. He is the Way. Just drop anchor, seek his face with all of your strength, and believe he will ensure your safe arrival as he has intended for you.
When darkness covers you with fear, and it will, be still and know that God is with you. No weapon formed against you will prosper. Your Father in heaven will protect and defend you. At His name alone, your foes must surrender.
When wars rage in secret and no one else knows of them, and they will rage, be still and know that God is with you. There will be a time for peace, and at times to keep the peace you will need a sword. Make your sword the Word of the Living God, not the words of an angry tongue, the actions of a vindictive heart, or the thoughts of an arrogant mind.
If you question who is going to sustain you in your weariness, be still and know "I AM."
I love you endlessly,
Mommy
(The inspiration for this post came from the fierce love I have for my children, seeing life in the valley firsthand, and a very simple song that carries me.)
I cannot find a word to begin.
I actually hunted through my 1828 Noah Webster's Dictionary in an attempt to help me start somewhere.
Anywhere.
I suppose this is a letter of sorts; perhaps, a prayer; a praise...
Beloved,
I love you.
I love you tirelessly. I have only begun to know the true endurance and the true grit and stamina required of sacrifice. I have only begun to understand the joy found in the deep love as a mother, the relief in throat thumping prayers at 2am...the true peace found in surrender. I have only begun to experience the true love and faithfulness of God. I have come to believe that only God can understand the true sacrifice that comes with a deep and true love for your child. So, you see, my love for you--you cannot know, and God's love for us is even more unfathomable.
When you arrive in the deserts of life, and you will arrive, be still and know that God is with you. I pray, for you, that you always recognize His presence and that you come to desire it. There is no darkness or loneliness that can come upon you that he will not speak into. He will call your name. You will have His pillar of fire by night to lead and warm you, and as a cloud to cover you by day. You will again be lead to the oasis in the place of scorching heat that seems to consume all of life. Believe that Life and Living Water are not dependent on our location. Life giving water for the deserts of our souls comes from God alone. His giving is not dependent on our location; His giving is dependent on his grace. Ask, and you will receive.
When people judge you, and they will, be still and know that God is with you. Listen to what they have to say, for wisdom is birthed from correction. You must know to sift their words lovingly with the help of your Creator, who made you and knows the number of hairs on your head. Take heart and be courageous, beloved...if the words spoken are true, persevere in the refiner's fire. He will not abandon you in the flame. He will restore your frame and your bones will be made strong. If their judgment is harsh, untrue and God confirms this, dismiss them in love. Pray for them until you no longer feel the sting of their false accusations. God knows the truth. He is the truth. Do not fear man; fear God.
When you go through the valley, and you will, be still and know that God is with you. Lift your eyes to the hills, where your help comes from. You will not find the way through the valley, where you remain in the shadow, without the light of his Word to lead you. His Word is a lamp for your feet, and a light for your path. The valley offers a time of level paths for your feet. You will climb the mountain, one step at a time...tomorrow. But, today, while in the valley, find rest for your soul. There can be no shadow cast where there is no light nearby. God will walk with you in the valleys. You are not alone.
When you forget the way to go, and you will, be still and know that God is with you. He will never leave nor forsake you. You may not know what step you need to take next, and you may spend your sorrows on wishing for tomorrow (or yesterday), but your direction given will be sufficient for today. God has not misplaced the way. He is the Way. Just drop anchor, seek his face with all of your strength, and believe he will ensure your safe arrival as he has intended for you.
When darkness covers you with fear, and it will, be still and know that God is with you. No weapon formed against you will prosper. Your Father in heaven will protect and defend you. At His name alone, your foes must surrender.
When wars rage in secret and no one else knows of them, and they will rage, be still and know that God is with you. There will be a time for peace, and at times to keep the peace you will need a sword. Make your sword the Word of the Living God, not the words of an angry tongue, the actions of a vindictive heart, or the thoughts of an arrogant mind.
If you question who is going to sustain you in your weariness, be still and know "I AM."
I love you endlessly,
Mommy
(The inspiration for this post came from the fierce love I have for my children, seeing life in the valley firsthand, and a very simple song that carries me.)
Saturday, March 2, 2013
The Milk Jug Heart Jesus
Some things hurt so deeply that you feel as though someone broke into your chest and gulped your heart and wedged it into a milk jug. You have people in your life that will never understand that pain, the reasons why it runs so deep, and they may even cast judgment on you because you deal with it in ways that they deem unfit. And when you are standing on your figurative porch, holding your milk jug heart in the cold, cold sun...you can either hold it in a jug and know they are wrong; or, you can realize maybe God allowed it to be removed because he wants your heart in your hands for awhile. Better yet, perhaps he wants your heart in his hands...
God has taught me the most gripping love in my times of pain and adversity. Hear me- he does not want pain for our lives; but he will use it. I have had the honor, very recently, to have been fairly wounded by one very close to me. (You cannot be wounded by those you do not love or those that do not love you. This is the blessing of betrayal.) These wounds meant levels of emotional betrayal in dark hours taking on a new meaning. I gained a new awareness of losing trust, and a sense of injustice in the entire situation left me reeling.
Our hearts are literally protected beneath our rib cage. I have heard many a wounded person talk about "protecting their heart." I have faced the temptation of protecting and guarding my heart in the wrong way by actually deciding I would keep it to myself, never to be free again. Protection and Prison are both a cage in their own right, but they are not the same thing.
We do become the same shape as the prison that holds us. If pain is our prison, we are allowing ourselves to a life with no joy. If anger is our prison, we are allowing ourselves to a life with no mercy. This list could be long; but, the bottom line is that we easily blame others or God (or our idea of him) for our prisons when we chose them for ourselves. If our prison is our rib cage- then no one gets in; but, we won't get out, either. If my heart remains in my chest, I have wasted the ability and God given gift to feel. I have wasted the honor to live and be hurt, and be healed, and be loved, and be a survivor of loving.
If I keep my heart in my hands, I can too easily drop it, or make it in to a paper Valentine and send it off on a paper raft into a paper ocean.
But if I am willing to let my heart be pulpy in my life circumstance and ripped out, and then take it in my milk jug, and intentionally give it to a friend that can help carry the weight, He will make the burden light. If I take my suffering heart to someone who knows suffering, too, He will fill it with a passion for caring for orphans and widows, knowing that the best thing you can do to feel better is to help others. In the hands of a skilled surgeon, He will stitch the hole in my heart that my betrayers gashed (and he will lovingly leave the scar to remind me that He stitched the wound). He will pick my heart up off of the sandy ground and make one grain in to a pearl. He will take the empty page and make it in to a new song. He will meet my heart, at the heat of the day, at the well...and will ask for the empty milk jug so he can fill it, instead, with Living Water.
This is what Jesus does with milk jug hearts...but only if we chose to hand our hearts over...
So? What's your prison and what or Who will set you free?
God has taught me the most gripping love in my times of pain and adversity. Hear me- he does not want pain for our lives; but he will use it. I have had the honor, very recently, to have been fairly wounded by one very close to me. (You cannot be wounded by those you do not love or those that do not love you. This is the blessing of betrayal.) These wounds meant levels of emotional betrayal in dark hours taking on a new meaning. I gained a new awareness of losing trust, and a sense of injustice in the entire situation left me reeling.
Our hearts are literally protected beneath our rib cage. I have heard many a wounded person talk about "protecting their heart." I have faced the temptation of protecting and guarding my heart in the wrong way by actually deciding I would keep it to myself, never to be free again. Protection and Prison are both a cage in their own right, but they are not the same thing.
We do become the same shape as the prison that holds us. If pain is our prison, we are allowing ourselves to a life with no joy. If anger is our prison, we are allowing ourselves to a life with no mercy. This list could be long; but, the bottom line is that we easily blame others or God (or our idea of him) for our prisons when we chose them for ourselves. If our prison is our rib cage- then no one gets in; but, we won't get out, either. If my heart remains in my chest, I have wasted the ability and God given gift to feel. I have wasted the honor to live and be hurt, and be healed, and be loved, and be a survivor of loving.
If I keep my heart in my hands, I can too easily drop it, or make it in to a paper Valentine and send it off on a paper raft into a paper ocean.
But if I am willing to let my heart be pulpy in my life circumstance and ripped out, and then take it in my milk jug, and intentionally give it to a friend that can help carry the weight, He will make the burden light. If I take my suffering heart to someone who knows suffering, too, He will fill it with a passion for caring for orphans and widows, knowing that the best thing you can do to feel better is to help others. In the hands of a skilled surgeon, He will stitch the hole in my heart that my betrayers gashed (and he will lovingly leave the scar to remind me that He stitched the wound). He will pick my heart up off of the sandy ground and make one grain in to a pearl. He will take the empty page and make it in to a new song. He will meet my heart, at the heat of the day, at the well...and will ask for the empty milk jug so he can fill it, instead, with Living Water.
This is what Jesus does with milk jug hearts...but only if we chose to hand our hearts over...
So? What's your prison and what or Who will set you free?
Thursday, February 21, 2013
I mostly get this all wrong...too.
(This post is not to say that fathers do not experience the things mentioned, from a mother's perspective, in this post. It is also not to look down upon any woman who works outside of the home. I respect any person who takes on the task of raising and/or providing for a child. One of my dearest friends is pursuing her dream for and because of her children.)
Bedtime stories are as much a part of the day ending as is the guilt of a mother. I don't say that as a victim, as though the choice to care for my children every day was something that happened to me. No. It was a choice.
The way I saw it was that I could invest in to the next 60 years of my life and make that quite comfortable, to be honest...or I could invest in to eternity by choosing to be the one to have the largest influence on my babes in their formative years. I felt like a hero when I was pregnant with my first and realized I had made that choice to stay home. Man, was I vain. I still thought that raising a child was about me in some way.
Women have 10 months to realize they are...mothers. (9 months is a strange lie, and I'm not sure why more people haven't caught on. 40 weeks is 10 months, yo'.) It's a strange transition. Motherhood is a jangly waltz, if you will. And if you feel like you are getting it all wrong...good for you! You are officially a mommy!
So, if you understand the guilt I am talking about as stay-at-home parent--or are questioning if you want to be one--here is my $8.26 on the matter. (One last disclosure: this post is mostly written to help me figure out what I am thinking and, possibly, to pacify my ego. You've been warned.) My poor attempt at narrowing this down is in the following 3 areas:
1. Life Lessons...
What do my kids see when I am angry? Sad? Stressed? Rushed? This is how they learn. I will not shield them from human emotion. I want to teach them how to navigate through it.
I cry in front of my kids. "It's ok to be sad. We still do our chores."
I apologize when I am wrong. "I'm sorry I was loud when you were upset."
I pray in front of them. "Dear God, help mommy to be patient."
I talk to myself. A lot.
I personally think there are three ways we teach our children:
1) By example
2) By example
3) By example
It's ok to screw up. Their lives will be full of mistakes. We can't avoid making mistakes. (Accidents are given their name for a reason.) Our children's mistakes are not all our fault. Enjoy that for a minute. Our job is to teach them how to live with excellence, a moral compass, and self-control. Teach them how to intentionally live life with generous dignity, and you change a generation.
2. When my best is not good enough.
Perfectionist, anyone? Me, too. People tell me, until they are blue in the face, "Just do your best." What do I do when I know my best was only half what I think my best is?
Look.
How arrogant do we really have to be to assume that the sky falling will or will not be our fault? In other words, is the world so fragile that I am in more control of it than my God? No. Get a grip. Take a breath. Repeat. Then...you do your best.
Wake up when it's time to wake up. Read a book when it's time to read a book. Brush your teeth together. Look at the amazing stick when it's presented. And be amazed. Count everything you can. Don't try to make yesterday--today. I have days where I can get up at 5, exercise, read my Bible, shower and have breakfast made (OK, this happened once, I think) by 8--and others where if my 2 year old sleeps until 8 I crawl in to bed with him and sleep. Until 8. Life is reading the moments and living them. Make a routine- and keep a schedule; just don't freak out if it beginss at a different time each morning. (This, of course, depends on the age of your kids, if they are in school, etc...) Wake up, eat, play. Start at 7, 7:20, or 7:56. You are not perfect. You are excellent.
3. Should I go back to work?
(Reminder of previous disclosure, for some women, yes. This is you. There is not one correct mold. I am not judging.)
Most days I think I focus on catching the "firsts." But, I miss the lasts. If I am doing the dishes I will say, "No I cannot hold you." (And, kids need to hear that sometimes the answer is no.)
But what if tomorrow you don't ask me to hold you? What if all of a sudden tomorrow is the day you are a kid, and not a baby, and you don't want me to hold you? What day was it that you no longer needed me to help you walk? What day was it that you could hold a cup on your own? How do we parents balance all of this? I mean, a dirty kitchen makes me very crazy inside...so...
We use our judgement. We have them help with the dishes (bonus--use it while we can). Basically, what I mean is, we let our toddlers think they are helping with the dishes and we clean the mess afterwards.
For me, personally, I wonder every single day if I am squelching my kids. Do you really think we can live our entire lives this way? Wondering what we did right or wrong? Now, I get it. Do your best.
For me, when it came to daycare, I had to ask myself how I would feel if I picked my baby up in a different outfit and I didn't know the story. Was it play-doh? The spaghetti at lunch? Did you get hurt? And it broke my heart to know that I wouldn't know the story behind a new outfit.
I get this wrong every day, and I go to sleep knowing that I get to try again tomorrow. Somewhere inside I think...if I do nothing else right today or tomorrow, they're gonna' know that I love them to the bones.
Bedtime stories are as much a part of the day ending as is the guilt of a mother. I don't say that as a victim, as though the choice to care for my children every day was something that happened to me. No. It was a choice.
The way I saw it was that I could invest in to the next 60 years of my life and make that quite comfortable, to be honest...or I could invest in to eternity by choosing to be the one to have the largest influence on my babes in their formative years. I felt like a hero when I was pregnant with my first and realized I had made that choice to stay home. Man, was I vain. I still thought that raising a child was about me in some way.
Women have 10 months to realize they are...mothers. (9 months is a strange lie, and I'm not sure why more people haven't caught on. 40 weeks is 10 months, yo'.) It's a strange transition. Motherhood is a jangly waltz, if you will. And if you feel like you are getting it all wrong...good for you! You are officially a mommy!
So, if you understand the guilt I am talking about as stay-at-home parent--or are questioning if you want to be one--here is my $8.26 on the matter. (One last disclosure: this post is mostly written to help me figure out what I am thinking and, possibly, to pacify my ego. You've been warned.) My poor attempt at narrowing this down is in the following 3 areas:
1. Life Lessons...
What do my kids see when I am angry? Sad? Stressed? Rushed? This is how they learn. I will not shield them from human emotion. I want to teach them how to navigate through it.
I cry in front of my kids. "It's ok to be sad. We still do our chores."
I apologize when I am wrong. "I'm sorry I was loud when you were upset."
I pray in front of them. "Dear God, help mommy to be patient."
I talk to myself. A lot.
I personally think there are three ways we teach our children:
1) By example
2) By example
3) By example
It's ok to screw up. Their lives will be full of mistakes. We can't avoid making mistakes. (Accidents are given their name for a reason.) Our children's mistakes are not all our fault. Enjoy that for a minute. Our job is to teach them how to live with excellence, a moral compass, and self-control. Teach them how to intentionally live life with generous dignity, and you change a generation.
2. When my best is not good enough.
Perfectionist, anyone? Me, too. People tell me, until they are blue in the face, "Just do your best." What do I do when I know my best was only half what I think my best is?
Look.
How arrogant do we really have to be to assume that the sky falling will or will not be our fault? In other words, is the world so fragile that I am in more control of it than my God? No. Get a grip. Take a breath. Repeat. Then...you do your best.
Wake up when it's time to wake up. Read a book when it's time to read a book. Brush your teeth together. Look at the amazing stick when it's presented. And be amazed. Count everything you can. Don't try to make yesterday--today. I have days where I can get up at 5, exercise, read my Bible, shower and have breakfast made (OK, this happened once, I think) by 8--and others where if my 2 year old sleeps until 8 I crawl in to bed with him and sleep. Until 8. Life is reading the moments and living them. Make a routine- and keep a schedule; just don't freak out if it beginss at a different time each morning. (This, of course, depends on the age of your kids, if they are in school, etc...) Wake up, eat, play. Start at 7, 7:20, or 7:56. You are not perfect. You are excellent.
3. Should I go back to work?
(Reminder of previous disclosure, for some women, yes. This is you. There is not one correct mold. I am not judging.)
Most days I think I focus on catching the "firsts." But, I miss the lasts. If I am doing the dishes I will say, "No I cannot hold you." (And, kids need to hear that sometimes the answer is no.)
But what if tomorrow you don't ask me to hold you? What if all of a sudden tomorrow is the day you are a kid, and not a baby, and you don't want me to hold you? What day was it that you no longer needed me to help you walk? What day was it that you could hold a cup on your own? How do we parents balance all of this? I mean, a dirty kitchen makes me very crazy inside...so...
We use our judgement. We have them help with the dishes (bonus--use it while we can). Basically, what I mean is, we let our toddlers think they are helping with the dishes and we clean the mess afterwards.
For me, personally, I wonder every single day if I am squelching my kids. Do you really think we can live our entire lives this way? Wondering what we did right or wrong? Now, I get it. Do your best.
For me, when it came to daycare, I had to ask myself how I would feel if I picked my baby up in a different outfit and I didn't know the story. Was it play-doh? The spaghetti at lunch? Did you get hurt? And it broke my heart to know that I wouldn't know the story behind a new outfit.
I get this wrong every day, and I go to sleep knowing that I get to try again tomorrow. Somewhere inside I think...if I do nothing else right today or tomorrow, they're gonna' know that I love them to the bones.
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