Up North

I spent some time up north, let's say, for awhile several years ago- as in close to a decade ago. It was there that I learned how to throw the stones that were burdens of mine, in the literal sense. I highly recommend doing this. I still do it.

Choose a stone that looks like what it feels like. For example, there was an event in my life that left me with holes. Lots of holes. So I took hours looking for a rock that had holes pierced and weathered through it. And I put it in a pack I was carrying. I did this with many, many things until I felt the literal weight of what I was carring around. I had my burden and I wore it like a flag. I had carried these things for years. Once I had my stones I walked, thinking about all of them. I let myself be angry. I let myself mourn death, I let myself soak in the realization that I had feared I had misplaced a childhood, that I would be thirty-something someday and only be shadows...I let myself be alive and I was yelling about it in the middle of nowhere...up north.

And then I took them out, one-by-one, and I threw them as far as I could. And I yelled from the bottom of my lungs at the top of my heart to God to take them from me- to take them so I could never get them back. And I could have whispered or said nothing at all and He would have heard me. I knew, in that moment, every time God was on his stomach beside me. And I was grateful.

My spot today is a rock in a river. It's a small walk from a road in the mountains and a big rock in a long river.  Sitting there I think anyone could understand the anxiety of always needing to be moving yet constantly in the same place. And I do feel that way- and here it's understood. And when I throw my stones away from me, some of them I carry for weeks, I have to yell above the raging water to hear my voice. There is something amazing hearing yourself call out to God in a place where no one else would know if you stood there naked...
Carry your stones if you must; but, know when it's time to throw them, standing naked in front of God on a mirror of sorts where nothing is hidden- and let-GO. Palms down, let go.