I don't know the ways of God. Deep down I am thankful for this. I can't explain the many mysteries of His ways, His will, His timing- but I know He is good. He is always, only good.
The day my daughter was born 2 1/2 weeks early on July 5, we waited in triage to have our procedure done in the OR. We waited as the OB was attending to an emergency. I laughed with my husband about my labor pains probably being some bad fish I ate. I realized I had not eaten all day...not the bad fish, after all.
I thought about the bathrooms still unclean at my house- the fear of the needles about to enter my spine (that did lend to an actual panic attack and me passing out- which, I am already laughing about), and a lot of other thoughts about feeling like I was abandoning my son to have this baby. I felt like I was leaving Isaac behind, like I was left behind...and I was terrified that he could possibly feel that way. I wasn't ready- but I wanted to be. But I wasn't.
Isaac, you are mommy's color red.
Little did I know, until the next day, July 6 that the emergency the OB was attending to was that of a 9 months along pregnant woman (most of you have probably heard this story in the last week and all of the horrible ins and outs)...she had been hit by a drunk driver. Her baby died.
Her baby died and minutes later Hope was born.
And I had been crying about a needle in my spine. I had been a cry baby. I had missed my chance to be thankful and instead I passed out. God doesn't hate me for this, of course, but it made me realize...what ARE you freaking out about, Ashley Rose?
My heart sank to the bottom of my lungs over that story about that little baby and his mother, Heather. Heather, I don't know you but I am praying with grit for you.
Hope, asleep beside me now, has filled my world with pink and glitter and has reminded me of God's mercy. Oh, the great depths of the mercy of my God! I have been given a daughter. A daughter. The healing this has already brought to my life- to see this little girl, blameless, wonderful and precious in every way...God is healing my heart through the birth of a little girl. Maybe, just maybe- I don't have to do anything for him to just love my pink- for him to just love me. I am learning new depths of this concept much lately. Maybe I am blameless in his sight...
Little One- oh my lil Miss Hope,
I will teach you that crying is good. The true meekness of the female heart has been at war with some notion of feminism for years, and I will teach you that you ARE created to be sensitive. That is a beautiful, wonderful thing. If anything outside of the Spirit of God calls your heart to be a warrior- you get the hell away from it, do you hear me?
Be hurt, however. Fight when and where you must. But know this, stay soft or you will disappear.
Be gracious. Remember that where there is no struggle there is no grace. Show mercy. Walk humbly.
Remember it is not good to have zeal without knowledge, nor to be hasty and miss the way.
Remember there are different types of clay. Some, in order to be molded by the potters hand, must be left to dry and harden some before it can be shaped in to the vessel. Some, as your mother is this type, needs to be sifted and rid of the stones and sticks, left to dry, broken again, and sifted...again. Allow yourself to be molded accordingly in each season of your life.
Know your Shepherd's voice. A good Shepherd will eventually break the leg of a wander lust sheep; but, this is out of love in order that he may carry the sheep to where it needs to go. Our Shepherd would leave 99 to find 1. To find you. You belong to the One True God, Hope- and the plans He has for your life will not be thwarted. I believe this and I will not fear for you. I will pray for you with passion and I will trust God.
I will do my very best to protect you from every kind of evil.
I will let you be young.
I will play with dolls with you or G.I. Joe's- whatever your choice...and I will teach you that there is magic in lemon juice on paper. Trust me.
I will teach you that you are precious and honored in God's sight as his daughter. That you have a purpose that has been long preordained for only you.
I will not self loathe myself or my body in front of the mirror anymore. You are wonderfully and fearfully made and you must know this and reject the lies of anything that tells you what your 'size' should be. I will fight this battle for you and along side you from now on, little girl. Those wolves won't get to you if your mommy has anything to say about it.
I will teach you that keeping guard over your heart does not mean keeping your heart in prison. Love with wisdom.
Know that men are good. Do not fall for the lie that "men are pigs." Even in the animal kingdom, lil Miss, they are the ones that add all color. Do not put men down or make children out of them. Allow a man to be a man and in this only will you ever be satisfied as a woman. Sometimes it will hurt and anger you beyond words or even limits...but you will know you did the right thing when you once again bloom. And you will bloom again.
Do not wear too much blush. Actually, do not wear blush at all. Pinch your cheeks. True beauty is found deep within your soul, Hope. Every choice you make and every shade of color or words you wear comes from deep within your very soul. Ask yourself what those things say about you when you see yourself in the mirror and hear yourself speaking.
Dress modestly. Being classy is not old fashioned, it's classic.
Speak gently but firmly.
Know that God is greater than your heart when your heart condemns you.
Know that your emotions are not your governing power. We were created as women with emotions to protect us, not to dominate us.
Sweet, girl- let a man open the door for you. It's not about "you being able to do things for yourself." It's about you being about to do it for yourself being the point of letting someone else do it for you.
Know that the season to sew is not also the season to reap. Know when to rest and when to wake up.
Trust your intuition. Always, always ALWAYS trust your intuition.
I don't know how to tell you the ways my heart explodes with joy over your ON TIME arrival. Hope, you were born during a storm (quite literally, too, in Colorado's worst fire season ever). You were born in several types of storms actually, and I may just tell you about those some day if they will benefit you. Sometimes the only choice we are given, Hope, is if we will ride out the storms in life with generous dignity or not. You bring to me reminders every day of the confident expectation of what beauty lies ahead.
I love you.
Hope, you are mommy's color pink. I didn't know I had a color pink until I met you. I am eternally grateful to you for that.
