Until death do us part

I wrote this post years ago...and just signed in to my blog for the first time in years.
I am going to post this tonight, because tonight is the night that I begin to write again.
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I woke up this morning and tried to remember a dream I had. I know my mother was in it, and I was plagued by some meaning it may have had...
I wore a black and white skirt.
I had a ham and swiss sandwich for lunch with a V8...didn't get to my banana.

Then I was divorced. Three 'o clock PM, Tuesday, January 14, 2014.
Just like that; but, not really.
And there. I said it.
I. Am. Divorced.

Divorce is like death: it is difficult to wrap your senses around. As the living we don't know what death is--not really. We don't know what it feels like, what it sounds like when it comes...and less than one second later the breath will leave the living and they are dead.
Just like that; but, not really.

Divorce is difficult for the senses to elite on...it is difficult to explain...it is difficult to understand.
It is difficult to live through.
I am not going to write, tonight, about what happened. None of that really matters, now, does it?

Tonight I take a breath for the first time in a long time (I told you it was difficult to understand), and I want to acknowledge a life, a marriage, and some of the beauty that lied therein.

Marriage is beautiful. It is the very stamp, the very thumbprint of God himself. I believe in marriage as a mirrored image of God's glory, his love, his very self. I will tell my children this, when it is appropriate, and I will tell them that I fought for mine with everything I had, and everything I didn't.
I will tell them that being married takes two people.

I will tell them that the day I signed my divorce papers I took note of their father and I's signatures side-by-side, like on our wedding certificate. State of Hawaii.
I was alone with my dad in the hotel room before I walked down the aisle, alone with him in the hallway at my attorney's office years later when the separation began, and then-just-alone in his office signing my name to divorce. Today.

I will tell my children that I came home and took my black and white skirt off, and looked at the place on the shelf where a wedding picture used to be, and that I prayed for them. Again.

...and in no particular order...
I will tell them about Ebba, the stone fish, the fish tank, about the half eaten graham cracker in the couch bed at the hospital, the Alpine slide, framed wildflowers, potted lilies, the lily box, the flower box, the cigar box.
I will tell them about fresh white paint, Memorial Day, and fishing.
I will tell them about the turtle.
I will tell them about broken luggage, hot chocolate, wine, my wedding ring, and the Christmas lights...the two hour wait for Santa...Disneyworld,

I will tell them the truth.
God is love; and, love is real.

He makes the crooked places straight.
He is a God of order.
He does not pervert justice.
He takes up the case of the oppressed.
His eye is on the sparrow.
He never left us.
He never forgot his promises.
He answered my every prayer, every plea...and even when I forgot, God never did.

9/12/2008-01/14/14
Here lies my failures, my success, my hope, my grief, my loneliness, my companionship, my grievances, my hypocrisy, my sin...and I leave it all to you, Lord.

I am walking away from this grave.